Trepidation

December and January are the two months when Chennai enjoys a nip in the air. The weather is amicable and the mornings can sometimes be pleasantly cold. To sum it up these are the two months when sleeping in the morning is a treat. However this January, I have been very serious about my walks. After a hiatus of a couple of months, I have got down to serious business. The chill and the darkness is not an impediment any more and I religiously leave the house at six in the morning and go about my normal 45 mins to one hour of brisk walking. Now don’t get me wrong for I have not been bitten by the fitness bug. But on the other hand I do want to be fit, in order to execute a pilgrimage which I plan to undertake next month.
I have known about this shrine, for over forty five years, and it has been my wish to visit the same. Being a woman, I knew that I had to wait for the right time to come before I could fulfil my wishes. Now it is four years since the “right time”, however I am yet to fulfil my wish. It is not for lack of opportunities, for my husband goes to the said shrine at least twice a year. Again it is not for lack of piety that I did not make the trip. The reason for the delay is due to the trepidation that I feel each time I think of the pilgrimage. Finally I have taken the plunge, for otherwise I feel that it may be too late and thus I may not be able to perform the pilgrimage the way I would like to. Thus on the 15th of February 2010, I am going to Sabarimala and with this realise my dream of having a darshan of the presiding deity, Lord Ayyappa.
The first time I heard or remember hearing about Sabarimala and Lord Ayyappa was in the year 1964, when my father made his one and only pilgrimage to the shrine. At that point, a pilgrimage to Sabarimala was filled with danger as the trek uphill was hard and arduous and the forests filled with wild animals. It is said that a successful return after the trip was itself considered a gift from the God. The preparations for the trip begin forty one days in advance. The devotees begin the vrittam/abstinenance on the first day of the Malayalam month of Vrischikam, which coincides with the 16th of November at most times. Once the vrittam begins, the devotees dress in simple black outfit, which in most cases is a dhoti for men and a sari for women. Abstinence from all pleasures both physical and mental is a must thus ensuring a state of body and mind which would take one through the pilgrimage almost unscathed. With the passing of time many of these outward customs have been modified to suit the devotee; however the core of the pilgrimage is the total belief in the Almighty.
To me observing the vrittam has never been difficult simply because I do it every year for the said forty one days. As for my dressing and appearance, I continue in the usual manner as I plan to wear the “mala” only on the day of my departure. Once the mala is around the neck, the degree of purity around the house should be of the highest order and this is something I feel will be difficult to attain. Being my first trip to the shrine, I sometimes wonder if I am doing things the right way, however I am sure that the almighty will accept my devotion in the manner in which I am able to fulfil it.
Ever since the trip has been planned, I must have asked over a hundred people about the trek to the shrine and have come up with over hundred varied answers regarding the same. There are the youngsters who tell me that they just run up and hence are able to cover the distance in little over an hour. This version, much as I would love to believe, I know is next to impossible for someone of my age and disposition. Then there are others who have told me that it is not as difficult as it is made out to be and can be done with considerable ease. There are also some who have told me that it is hard and hence should be taken with extreme caution. Seeing my physical appearance, people have even questioned me on my wish to trek my way up. The other option I have is to use a palanquin. Although there is a possibility that as a last resort I may have to use that service, I will nevertheless begin my pilgrimage on foot like the thousands of devotees who do it all the time.
I get some kind of solace when I am told of how people with serious physical disabilities have taken the journey on foot. They attribute these unbelievable stories to sheer perseverance and implicit faith. Somehow extreme perseverance has never been my forte and thus I feel incapacited in that regard. However my prayers are that my faith will make up where and when my perseverance fails. I have no clue as to what is in store; however I have decided that I will take each step of the pilgrimage in the manner in which it comes. Having said that, I will be lying to myself if I say that I am not apprehensive. Considering the importance of the Shrine and the difficulty of the trip, there is no way in which I can take this pilgrimage lightly. Whenever I think of the journey, I end up with a total blank for I do not know as to where I stand as far as the performance goes.
There are I feel a couple of things in my favour and the one thing that stands topmost is the fact that I walked up Thirumala, which is also an exercise in perseverance. But then this was something I did eleven years ago and although mentally I am as young, I cannot say the same about my physical state. I wonder if the same pair of legs that took me up Thirumala will now be able to take me up Sabarimala?? I hope and pray that my legs will not let me down. The second and the most important thing that is in my favour, is my faith in the Lord. I have felt his invisible presence so many times. I always feel that he has heard my prayers and has never failed to open my eyes to solutions.
Next week I begin my journey in total submission to the Lord, however this will still not put to rest the feeling of trepidation that goes on in my mind. How I wish I could master that anxiety, but then if I am able to do that, I would have moved into another league.
PS. You will definitely hear from me once I return from the pilgrimage.